Posts by tall penguin

27

Anyone still have trouble expressing anger?

by tall penguin in

jw
friends

having been doubly mind-f*&ked by an organization that preaches peace and poor boundaries and a perfectionistic mother who hates conflict, i find myself still having great difficulty expressing my anger in a healthy way.

my past response when angry was to cry or turn the anger on myself and become self-destructive, ultimately leading to suicidal thoughts.

i find lately my subconscious percolating anger almost constantly.

tall penguin

"Passive agressiveness makes me nuts..."

I hear ya hillbilly.

27

Anyone still have trouble expressing anger?

by tall penguin in

jw
friends

having been doubly mind-f*&ked by an organization that preaches peace and poor boundaries and a perfectionistic mother who hates conflict, i find myself still having great difficulty expressing my anger in a healthy way.

my past response when angry was to cry or turn the anger on myself and become self-destructive, ultimately leading to suicidal thoughts.

i find lately my subconscious percolating anger almost constantly.

tall penguin

"Why did I feel like I had to forgive and make peace, when hardly anybody ever reached out and made peace to me? I was always in giving mode, but rarely did people go out of their way to make peace with me or even apologize to me for things they did."

Yes! See this is the thing. It's tiring always being the one to make peace with people. If they really cared so much about the relationship, they should be at the very least making an equal effort. Most of the jw's I knew expected the other person to make amends. And unfortunately, I was that person. I was always monitoring relationships to see if I needed to apologize for something. Which meant I rarely said what I really felt because I was afraid to offend and have to clean up the mess afterwards. So much for authenticity.

tall penguin

27

Anyone still have trouble expressing anger?

by tall penguin in

jw
friends

having been doubly mind-f*&ked by an organization that preaches peace and poor boundaries and a perfectionistic mother who hates conflict, i find myself still having great difficulty expressing my anger in a healthy way.

my past response when angry was to cry or turn the anger on myself and become self-destructive, ultimately leading to suicidal thoughts.

i find lately my subconscious percolating anger almost constantly.

tall penguin

Having been doubly mind-f*&ked by an organization that preaches peace and poor boundaries and a perfectionistic mother who hates conflict, I find myself still having great difficulty expressing my anger in a healthy way. My past response when angry was to cry or turn the anger on myself and become self-destructive, ultimately leading to suicidal thoughts. I find lately my subconscious percolating anger almost constantly. My dreams are filled with situations from my past where I've felt angry but couldn't express myself. Even in my dreams, my voice is muffled or I can't speak. I wake up most mornings with great tension through my whole body and sometimes even clenched fists.

The other day I beat the hell out of a pillow. But it didn't even feel like enough. I wanted to take aim at my concrete walls but knew that would severely damage my hands so I didn't, but the impulse to hit something was so strong. I've been having sore throats almost daily, which has always been a sign to me that I'm not expressing my anger.

I had a crap day at work yesterday and vented with some co-workers. I also pulled rank on a fellow employee who I was pretty pissed with. Now, my first inclination is to go back and apologize. My co-workers said not to. They said I handled things just fine, but there's part of me that always feels bad about not being nice all the time.

Anyone remember that talk "Do you harbor resentment or do you forgive?" God, that stupid outline is forever burned into my psyche. All that jabber about "If you sense your brother has some ill towards you, go and make peace with him." Bullshit. Maybe I don't like that person. Maybe I'm better off without them in my life. Maybe he pissed me off and I told him he was an ass and he deserved it. Now, you want me to make all nice? We never were allowed to have our human emotions now were we? We weren't allowed to create boundaries between ourselves and unhealthy people in the congregation. We weren't allowed to process things in our own time. Everything had such an urgency. "Don't let the sun set with you in a provoked state." Armagedddon was always looming, there was no time for rational thought or the taking of space was there?

Sigh.

tall penguin

41

A Theory of Nothingness

by Sad emo in

light - we can't see it or touch it; we can't hear it, taste it or smell it.

parts of light appear as different colours - all electomagnetic forces yet still the colour is mere perception, dependent on whether the light rays are absorbed or reflected by the object they fall upon.

white may indeed be black and black be white - perceptions!

tall penguin

Beautiful post Sad Emo. And yes, I understand what you're saying. There is a surreal beauty in the nothingness. So intangible, indescribable, yet strikingly sublime.

tall penguin

13

How to Slow Down Now (Please Read Slowly)

by AK - Jeff in

http://zenhabits.net/2007/12/how-to-slow-down-now-please-read-slowly/.

how to slow down now (please read slowly)wisely, and slow.

they stumble that run fast.

tall penguin

Excellent article.

"Hyperactivity is often a defense against boredom, and the fear of slowing down is really a fear of confronting yourself."

I have really found this to be true. We often keep busy to ignore ourselves, our feelings, our uncomfortable emotions. We also tend to derive our sense of worth from what we do, because we don't know who we are when we're not doing something. We have forgotten how to be.

tall penguin

41

WHAT ARE YOU DOING FOR NEW YEARS EVE?

by Mary in

jw
friends

are you doing anything special tomorrow night???

i think i'm going over to some ex-dubs' house to celebrate this horrible, pagan festival that will no doubt earn me a one-way ticket to the firey gehenna.

anyone else got sum plan??!!

tall penguin

House party then off to the club. Gal's night out. Trouble will ensue I hope. ;)

tall penguin

40

Anyone else glad to see x-mas over?

by eclipse in

jw
friends

i hated mine.. long story.. don't ask.. just glad it's over and glad stores are open again.

.

i always feel isolated and 'insecure' when civilization has ground to a halt because of a holiday.. i'm just ranting, need the stress relief.. hope your holidays were alot better than mine.. i am not looking for pity here, just needed to rant, thanks for listening.. .

tall penguin

I work in retail so, yes, I'm glad it's over for another year. 6 weeks of Christmas music is enough to make anyone crazy.

tall penguin

4

Odd reaction...

by changeling in

jw
friends

i spoke to one of my non-witness cousins the other day and she told me that our cousins who were raised sda were no longer active in their church.

she told me their mother was very upset.. i told my mom about this (these are my dad's family i'm talking about) and her reaction was: "good for them!

" i mentioned my aunt being upset about it and she said: "well, i had it out with her years ago".. at no point did she see the parallel between them and me or between her reaction and my aunt's.. i was very amused.... changeling.